The Army’s defense plan is classified, but protesters may die if George Duvall doesn’t tell them; but it’s death or dishonor; he’s a traitor if he speaks and might go to prison.
The novel will make clear where it is. And thank you for helping me validate that this is indeed a historical novel! Since you don't know that detail. In my old era Ft. Ord was one of three main Army training stations that qualified infantrymen for service in Vietnam, Ft. Ord near Monterey on the California coast, Ft. Lewis - now joint base Lewis McCord just sought of Seattle Washington, and Ft. Dix, New Jersey.It is not remarkable that Ft. Ord might be unknown to you, but what hope will one day be known is the vast extent of war protests that erupted that month in the wake of Kent State. Much of our current cultural turmoil starts with that.
Okay, useful information. And I think the general construction of those is stronger. One other thing I can offer though is the perspective of a twenty-something-year-old who was most certainly not alive in 1970. I am aware of the deaths at Kent State, but Ft. Ord is completely new name to me. There may be an issue of accessibility in referencing it here. Granted, your target audience may be more familiar with the topic than I am, but I wanted to offer it as food for thought. Good luck.
Inloft, the novel is based on a real historical incident. On Saturday, May 16, 1970 several thousand student protesters, inspired the deadly incident at Kent State, Ohio, marched down California Highway 1 which bisected the post.This isn't a secret. I was stationed at Fort Ord. It was fairly widely known that the Army mounted a planned defense. I knew guys who were appointed to be shooters on sniper teams. Fearing a student invasion, the post was locked down.
I saw the plan which was then classified secret, (and should no longer be since Ft. Ord is no longer a military base. The novel reflects the dilemma of every soldier who knew of the plan when so many of us were against the war the students protested but had been drafted into the Army against our will.
I entirely agree the construction is clunky. That's why I put it out. One of the solutions is jump around the character name. If this is the hook, I can introduce it in the second line of the query or the elevator pitch. Try this on for size:He knows the secret Ft. Ord plan; if he doesn't tell her, she and other students may die, but if he does he goes to jail.Feels like improvement to me.Or maybe better.He knows the secret Ft. Ord plan, if he doesn't tell her she might be killed, but if he does he goes to jail.
I'm a supporter of a good semi-colon, but I think the use of two makes things clunky here, and I'm pretty sure I heard that agents can be turned away by too many semi-colons in queries, pitches, etc. Beyond that, I don't think this is clear enough. There's a choice (share classified plans or let people die), but I don't get much beyond that. When you say George doesn't tell "them", who is "them"? Based off the sentence structure it should be the protestors, and I guess it wouldn't make sense to tell the Army its own classified plans, but it still comes across as unclear to me. I know this isn't a place where you can reveal lots of info, so it's hard to elaborate on points, but I wonder if you could at least clarify what the protestors are about. Are they protesting the army? I think I remember reading somewhere you saying they were protesting land use or something like that. Maybe try a structure where you start with George straight off. "George Duvall would never betray his country, but when protestors over ____ might die without knowing classified Army information, he has to weigh whether the risk and dishonor of speaking up is worth more than their lives." I won't claim any great skill or expertise on log lines, so my suggestions on fixes are fine to be ignored if you don't like them, but I do know that what you have right now isn't working yet. Good luck.
Yeah, I know. I'm struggling with voice here.
If she doesn't know the secret plans, they may kill her, but if he talks he goes to jail.
More refinement. It's secret, but he knows the defense plan. What she doesn't know might kill her, but if he tells her he goes to jail.
The novel will make clear where it is. And thank you for helping me validate that this is indeed a historical novel! Since you don't know that detail. In my old era Ft. Ord was one of three main Army training stations that qualified infantrymen for service in Vietnam, Ft. Ord near Monterey on the California coast, Ft. Lewis - now joint base Lewis McCord just sought of Seattle Washington, and Ft. Dix, New Jersey. It is not remarkable that Ft. Ord might be unknown to you, but what hope will one day be known is the vast extent of war protests that erupted that month in the wake of Kent State. Much of our current cultural turmoil starts with that.
Okay, useful information. And I think the general construction of those is stronger. One other thing I can offer though is the perspective of a twenty-something-year-old who was most certainly not alive in 1970. I am aware of the deaths at Kent State, but Ft. Ord is completely new name to me. There may be an issue of accessibility in referencing it here. Granted, your target audience may be more familiar with the topic than I am, but I wanted to offer it as food for thought. Good luck.
Inloft, the novel is based on a real historical incident. On Saturday, May 16, 1970 several thousand student protesters, inspired the deadly incident at Kent State, Ohio, marched down California Highway 1 which bisected the post. This isn't a secret. I was stationed at Fort Ord. It was fairly widely known that the Army mounted a planned defense. I knew guys who were appointed to be shooters on sniper teams. Fearing a student invasion, the post was locked down.
I saw the plan which was then classified secret, (and should no longer be since Ft. Ord is no longer a military base. The novel reflects the dilemma of every soldier who knew of the plan when so many of us were against the war the students protested but had been drafted into the Army against our will.
I entirely agree the construction is clunky. That's why I put it out. One of the solutions is jump around the character name. If this is the hook, I can introduce it in the second line of the query or the elevator pitch. Try this on for size: He knows the secret Ft. Ord plan; if he doesn't tell her, she and other students may die, but if he does he goes to jail. Feels like improvement to me. Or maybe better. He knows the secret Ft. Ord plan, if he doesn't tell her she might be killed, but if he does he goes to jail.
I'm a supporter of a good semi-colon, but I think the use of two makes things clunky here, and I'm pretty sure I heard that agents can be turned away by too many semi-colons in queries, pitches, etc. Beyond that, I don't think this is clear enough. There's a choice (share classified plans or let people die), but I don't get much beyond that. When you say George doesn't tell "them", who is "them"? Based off the sentence structure it should be the protestors, and I guess it wouldn't make sense to tell the Army its own classified plans, but it still comes across as unclear to me. I know this isn't a place where you can reveal lots of info, so it's hard to elaborate on points, but I wonder if you could at least clarify what the protestors are about. Are they protesting the army? I think I remember reading somewhere you saying they were protesting land use or something like that. Maybe try a structure where you start with George straight off. "George Duvall would never betray his country, but when protestors over ____ might die without knowing classified Army information, he has to weigh whether the risk and dishonor of speaking up is worth more than their lives." I won't claim any great skill or expertise on log lines, so my suggestions on fixes are fine to be ignored if you don't like them, but I do know that what you have right now isn't working yet. Good luck.