Thank you so much! I've tried many versions. I came up with this as an alternative to what I had.

When formerly-obese RAINA TEMPLE and her friends mistakenly kill someone with the mind-controlling software they discover, Raina must summon the courage to do what’s right even if it means being alone again.

Hey, I'll try to look at your other materials when I have more time in the next day or so, but for now I'll just answer what I can here. I mean, the short answer to are there any rules... not really. But a good starting point is the "When" format: "When something out of the ordinary happens to the MC, then this follows." And you're on the right track, since I can't help but notice the first word of your hook is "When". :) But I think standing alone, this doesn't feel all that hooky yet, because nothing action-worthy follows. It hasn't actually disrupted her life yet. The reason the "When" format tends to be a good starting point is because it often forces to jump right into the inciting incident rather than focus on background.

But I'll add that I generally the hook as the first 1-2 sentences, which means if we look at your full first paragraph in your query, we're getting something a little stronger.

"When new girl Raina Temple and her crush Tyler Sturdy discover a stack of notebooks with instructions for programming a computer to control people’s minds, Raina doubts such a thing is possible. But then Tyler proves to her and their friends that he can manipulate their memories and actions and feelings and thoughts, all with an injection of a special serum and a few taps of his cell phone."

^I think the above could probably be tightened up a bit, but if it's broken down, it becomes "When Raina finds notebooks on mind control, she finds out her crush can control people with a serum and his cell phone." And that does fulfill the "When" format I outlined above. We've got the inciting incident (finding the notebooks) and how it shakes things up (Tyler revealing he can control people). I think a snappier, more-to-the-point couple sentences would probably help this along, but what you have right now is a functional hook.

Remember, the most important part of the hook is to get the reader interested enough to read the next few paragraphs. So the thing that really gets your reader's attention is that Raina's crush can control minds. The faster you get to that point, the more likely you are to hook your reader's attention.

The last thing I'll say is that the "When" formula is not the end-all-be-all of hooks. I generally advise it as a good starting point, but then feel free to play around with phrasing. If you dig up the query I've got for my current WIP, you'll notice that I don't actually bring my "When" phrase in until the second paragraph, and that was because it was so important to know what my character was doing before the inciting incident, because having it ripped away is a huge part of her stakes. So much of what makes a hook work depends on the story it's part of, which of course makes it all the harder to advise, "This is the best way to do it." Still, I think you absolutely have something to build on. The important parts are there.