Hi everyone. This is my first #PitMad. Thank you so much for all your help. This experience could be daunting, but the prep for it so far has been great. I'm only working with 2 pitches this time around.
1.
Up to her Rolex in debt, Victoria inherits her estranged mother’s restaurant. The valet’s always drunk, the chef conspires with an imaginary friend, and the manager wants to backstab Victoria with a steak knife.
If they weren’t her siblings, she’d axe them.
*NOTE - originally for the last line I had 'she'd fire them' but someone earlier mentioned it wasn't strong enough to keep up with the first paragraph. Thoughts on this? Thanks!
2.
Thrown together by tragedy, five feuding siblings attempt to raise their dead mother’s restaurant from the grave.
When they discover their mother was oven mitts deep in criminal dealings, hangry customers are the least of their worries.
I really appreciate all your help in advance! Good luck to everyone!
I think the story you're describing sounds interesting. I'd recommend looking at the discussion post about the "formula" for a twitter pitch, though. I think these would make for great loglines or backcover material, but from what I've read, in twitter pitches agents are looking for who your MC is, what they want, what's stopping them from getting it, and what's at stake if they don't.
That said, I've never gotten an agent 'like,' so take that for what it is worth. Good luck tomorrow!
I wouldn't worry about comps. They can be useful if snappy enough, but they're needed most in a query.
It's my first time critiquing this, so I'm coming at it with fresh eyes--and I have nothing to offer. That revision shines. The first had a middle-grade feel to it, so I'm glad you upgraded to the modifiers for the siblings!
Thank you!
I really like the revision - I think you've got two really strong pitches. I'd use them both. :-)
You will certainly catch eyes with your pitch. My only suggestion, assuming you have sufficient remaining characters, would be to headline with COMPS. That said, I don't have any suggestions :-) I wish you a successful event.
So I took all the good advice I received and tried to rework my second pitch. If anyone is still looking, I'd love feedback.
This is the original:
Thrown together by tragedy, five feuding siblings attempt to raise their dead mother’s restaurant from the grave.
When they discover their mother was oven mitts deep in criminal dealings, hangry customers are the least of their worries.
#PitMad #A #HA #MA
Here is the revised:
Debt-ridden Victoria & her siblings (the drunk, the eccentric, & the conspirator) attempt to raise their dead mother’s restaurant from the grave.
When they discover Mom was oven mitts deep in criminal dealings, hangry customers are the least of their worries.
#PitMad #A #HA #MA
I worry the flow is not there of the original, but it tells a fuller picture. So there's good and bad here.
Thoughts?
Thanks in advance!
I'll keep an eye out for any revisions here, in case you want fresh feedback on the next ones! Nothing to add over what's already been said :)
Wow! I LOVE that first one. It is really attention grabbing. I like it just the way it is. My only suggestion for it, if you have the character space, would be to put a line space between the last line & the tags so the line stands out a bit more. It would help to have some of the criminal element in it, but I wouldn't want to risk messing up the flow.
Maybe there's a way to bring in some of that sass with #2:
After their mother dies, debt-ridden Victoria, and her four siblings (the drunk, the crazy, and the conniving...does the 4h have a descriptor?) attempt to raise their mother’s restaurant from the grave.
When they discover their mother was oven mitts deep in criminal dealings, hangry customers are the least of their worries.
#PitMad #A #HA #MA
That's only a quick thought. I really, truly, madly, like both of your pitches just as they are...I just like to be helpful and I can't help myself. :)
Good luck!!
I actually prefer #1. (I saw it on Twitter yesterday and it hooked me. 😊) I like not knowing the bad people are siblings until the end. That said, I think on Twitter, you had the last line switched, so it would be "She'd axe them if they weren't her siblings." I like the change from "fire" to "axe," but I'd keep the order so siblings comes last as a twist. Good luck!
You're a good wordpainter, ruststrong. Both pitches are catchy and flow. I prefer No. 2 for the same reasons as Michael. However, I'd suggest a more concrete possible consequence for their mom's criming. How would it affect the siblings?
Thank you very much for your guidance. I appreciate you looking over them.
I love the language choices in #1. I like the plot elements in #2, which I think offer a bit more story than #1 (the criminal dealings). I think either of these could work...I don't have any ways to make them better. But they almost seem like different stories. With that said...that's not a BAD thing necessarily, as you could catch the eye of an agent with either, depending on which resonated with them. In the old days, before a million people did Pitmad, I'd have told you to pin one of them and then use the other in the Pitmad feed. And that's probably still good advice, though I don't know that agents have enough time to look at individual twitter feeds. Overall, Nice job.