Hi all! I have three pitches so far for my adult fantasy romance. There are different styles to look at and any advice is great! TIA!
(1)
When Ariadne, a victim of war, marries Azriel, his secrecy about his family bloodlines prompts suspicion. If she discovers the truth, she’ll leave and the daemons he’s trying to protect her from will finish what they started. #PitMad #A #R
(2)
Ariadne and Azriel have one thing in common: they’re victims of a war against daemons. After marrying, Ariadne’s curiosity about her husband’s bloodlines grows, but he’ll do anything to keep his secret. If he fails, he’ll lose her and the daemons will end them both. #PitMad #A #R
(3)
BLACK DAGGER BROTHERHOOD x RADIANCE
A brutal war. A loving marriage. A devastating family secret. If the truth is discovered, the marriage will end, and the war will be lost for Ariadne and Azriel. Can he keep her from learning the truth and save them both? #PitMad #A #R
Looking at your revised versions:
When Ariadne, a victim of the war, against daemons, marries Azriel, secrecy about his bloodlines prompts suspicion. <vague, these details seem unnecessary? If she learns the truth, she’ll leave him, but without his protection, the daemons will be able to finish what they started. <which was what? what's the truth? what's his protection? for me, this one was simply too vague
Ariadne and Azriel have one thing in common: they’re hunted by daemons and he has to keep her safe. <what are daemons? (we need to know this) why does he keep her safe and not vice versa? (we may not need to know this, but we'll be asking this if it's phrased this way) After marrying, Ariadne’s curiosity about his bloodlines grows. <what bloodline? why is she curious? He’ll do anything to keep his secret. If he fails, she’ll leave him and they’ll both be dead. <why? again, just too vague overall. The main conflict is obscured for me.
BLACK DAGGER BROTHERHOOD x RADIANCE
A loving marriage. A devastating family secret. A brutal fight against daemons. <laundry list, still don't know what daemons are If the truth is discovered, the marriage will end, and Ariadne and Azriel will be killed. <why and why? Can he keep her from learning the truth and save them both? <still too vague.
IN CONCLUSION
Vagueness is the issue for me. What are daemons? Demons? (You can misspell it from book-specific language if there's another word that anyone would easily recognize. I've just seen daemons mean other things than demons.) Must the demons even be included? Are the two characters demigods or humans or...? What prompts the suspicion and why would the secret be deadly? (Those are the main questions to answer.) One solution could be to frame the story through one character, say Azriel. Eg:
When demigod Azriel married a human, he swore to protect her--but his bloodline isn't as pure as he's told her. When [inciting incident] happens, he must [do what?]--or else his wife will leave him. If both of them don't get killed first.