Hi All!
I'd love some feedback on my YA psychological thriller. I seem to never have any luck at these pitching contests, so let me know what works and what doesn't. Thank you!
(1)
A violent prison, mind bending drugs, and a doomed romance with his influencer boyfriend that ends in murder. Will escaping juvie be enough to save 16yo Julian's mind?
(2)
16yo mega rich Julian killed his boyfriend. Or did he? He can barely remember. In prison he'll discover the truth through a serum that makes him confront his darkest memories. Again and again.
(3)
No one believes 16yo Julian didn’t murder his influencer boyfriend, but at this experimental detention center, he gets the chance to prove his innocence by doing a drug study that makes him repeatedly relive his crime. Hopefully, not at the cost of his sanity.
(4)
Julian didn't kill his influencer boyfriend. Well, he can't remember, but he's 99.9% sure. In juvie, the only way to prove his innocence is through an experiment drug study that makes him relive his darkest memories. He just hopes that 0.01% doesn't prove him wrong.
Thank you all for the amazing feedback. I have some updates below.
@Mica Kole I definitely see your point--I tried to infuse some more action in the updated versions, but I guess my issue is the premise takes most of the tweet so I don't have much room for the action--or I just need to think a bit more out of the box.
(1) 16yo mega rich Julian killed his boyfriend. Or did he? He can barely remember. In juvie he'll discover the truth through a serum that makes him repeatedly confront his darkest memories. Only then can he secure his release—if he doesn't go insane first.
(2) 16yo mega rich Julian is sent to an experimental detention center after he’s charged w/ his boyfriend’s murder. If he wants to prove his innocence, he must partake in a mind bending drug study that makes him confront his darkest traumas—and possibly make him insane.
(3) 16yo BigPharma heir Julian is convinced he didn’t murder his influencer boyfriend, but he’s sent to juvie anyway. If he wants to escape, he must form dangerous alliances, undergo a mind bending drug study, and confront his dark past—or else stay imprisoned forever.
(4) Julian didn't kill his influencer boyfriend. Well, he can't remember, but he's 99.9% sure. In juvie, the only way to prove his innocence is through an experiment drug study that makes him relive his darkest memories. He just hopes that 0.01% doesn't prove him wrong.