Thank you for this great opportunity. I'm an emerging writer who will pitch my first #YA novel at #PitMad. I've written three pitches for my story. I will appreciate your comments and suggestions. Regards, Lou
KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
I like the mystique you build with the first half. But the second half almost seems like a separate concept. I get the hint that bullying is the connector. But I think it's the word "job" that throws me, since it seems more adult than kids at school.
#2
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Prodigy is so much stronger than whiz, love it. Secreted is a little strange though, maybe not necessary since "fugitive" already implies illicit. I love that you built on the bully angle for this pitch, "overcome her terror" is great.
#3
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
I think 2nd is my favorite, followed by this one. I like "fugitive geneticist", it's vivid and helps ground me in the world you've built. You mentioned in previous comments that Melissa is amoral. It makes me think she's sort of the Big Boss of bullies, and if that take is correct, I think the language describing her here could be stronger. Cutthroat, springs to mind, or ruthless. Even amoral, since that's a unique trait.