Okay folks, I actually could use a little help with my log-line. What I have is too long at 73 words. It's an opportunity to help me in my little publishing journey if you would like! For those of you who want to hop in and critique and feel like you need to know more about the book, here is my (terrible) SYNOPSIS, and here is my (semi-okay) QUERY. All-in-all, I would value any help from everyone in this lovely community. Thank you all!
Waking code in Nyx’s blood after the death of her father, a tech-infecting planet-killing AI named Erebus claims to be her sister and leads space-pirate Nyx to her origins as an AI/human hybrid, but now the Queen of the Protectorate wants them both and Nyx must control her blood-borne powers, or she and Erebus will become tools of oppression, and Nyx will lose what is left of her family while sacrificing her humanity.
Also... Here's a Twitter pitch that I really like that I think is TONS better that could be expanded on with a couple details but I haven't quite found a way to work it without making it too long. Maybe someone has some suggestions?
Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god. Now she must determine if she is woman or machine, risking her humanity to save her family from a Queen bent on oppressing the universe.
And lastly: I already have a hook pulled directly from my book if y'all are interested. It may help with inspiration. Or it may just be an interesting side-note.
Those who can destroy a world can control the universe.
To my mind, this is exactly why this site exists: We workshop together and make things better. You all did great!
So after taking this to my CPs, I wanted to share the final version. I won't lie though, I learned quite a bit about writing log lines during this because this isn't my forte. I'll have to post something on how I constructed this... Dare I say... A formula... Sometime soon! LOL. And without ado. The final logline: Space-pirate Nyx risks her humanity when she discovers she's an AI/human hybrid and faces an oppressive Queen to save her crew and family.
I'm not quite sold on Revision 2. But I feel like it's closer. Would love more input!
After her father dies in a mutiny, space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god, and now she must determine if she is woman or machine as the oppressive Queen of the Protectorate forces her to sacrifice her humanity to save her AI family and human crew.
Log-line:
(What wakes the code? Her age? The proximity to Erebus?)
When the death of her father wakes hidden AI code in space-pirate Nyx’s blood, it attracts Erebus who claims to be her sister. The tech-infecting planet-killing AI, Erebus, leads Nyx to her origins as an AI/human hybrid. Their combined blood-borne powers draw the attention of the Queen of the Protectorate who now wants them both. But she and Erebus refuse to become tools of the Queen's oppression, and if they can't _______ the Queen, Nyx will lose what is left of her family and sacrifice all of her humanity.
However, this is not really a log-line. It's way too long.
In a world of Oppression, AI/human-hybrid Nyx must face both her tech-infecting plant-killing AI sister Erebus and the evil/corrupt/destructive/demented (pick one) Queen of the Protectorate. If she stands strong she remains whole, but if she doesn't she loses her family and her humanity.
What do you think? Does that help?
Jennifer
Comments for Pitch - Revised Version:
"Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god after the death of her father, and now she must determine if she is woman or machine, risking her humanity to save her AI family and human crew from a Queen bent on oppressing the universe."
So "after the death of her father" is a prepositional phrase used to modify god right now. That is a misplaced modifier. What you need is - Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers after the death of her father that she is an AI/human-hybrid god. - Now the modifier is modifying the discovery as was intended, because it was written to show when she discovered her AI/human-hybrid ascension to godhood. I would place a period after god.
Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers after the death of her father that she is an AI/human-hybrid god. When a Queen bent on oppressing the universe forces her to risk her humanity in order to save both her AI and human families, Nyx must decide if she's a woman or a machine.
There is an element of information missing. What is the implication of her decision? Is it a choice that forces her to lose one or the other side of herself?
Hope this helps!?
Jennifer
Okay with your suggestions @C.M. Fick and @Jarmila Kurucova, here's what I landed on for my first revision:
Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god after the death of her father, and now she must determine if she is woman or machine, risking her humanity to save her AI family and human crew from a Queen bent on oppressing the universe.
Hey Angela,
Here are my thoughts. *disclaimer* I am not good at pitches, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt
Space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god after her father's death. She learns that those who can destroy a world can control the universe and now she(delete) must determine if she is woman or machine(full stop) By risking her humanity to save her family from a Queen bent on oppressing the universe, Nyx must master control over her blood-borne power or become a tool used to oppress humanity.
HI angela,
I’ll take a chance on this one:
When space-pirate Nyx Marcus discovers she is an AI/human-hybrid god, she struggles to determine if she is woman or machine. The answer comes the day she must risk loosing her humanity to save her include something about her family. Are they human? Are they hybrids? Are they in opposition? family from a Queen bent on oppressing the universe.
Darn, it’s hard when we don’t know the whole story.
I love the hook. :-)