My book has 2 POV characters, so I've approached the story from a couple different angles. All critiques and advice are greatly appreciated. I'd also love to know which angle creates the most intriguing pitch/which approach I should focus on. Thanks!
1. Kiara Desai was conceived naturally, a felony amidst the War on Genes. When her parents are killed, she becomes hell-bent on finding the murderer. As she corners her suspect, key moments of her memory are obliterated, including the knowledge of her parents’ killer.#SFT #PitDark
2. Hem has a secret. Revealing it means saving his best friend, but sentencing his community to death. Hiding it means genocide for an entire class. The ticking time bomb is in his hands; the only way to defuse it is to make a choice - before someone makes it for him.#T #PitDark
3. R. PLAYER ONE x WOOL
Hem relies VR to combat cabin fever, but it isn’t enough to keep him from wondering about the Outside, a world he's never seen. His curiosity gets him marked for expulsion, a bitter sweet punishment - until he learns he's not being sent Outside.#SPEC #PitDark
4. Kiara Desai is on a plummeting cargo plane. On it is a data drive worth killing for. Now, the pilot is dead, the plane is fractured, the drive is gone, and Kiara witnesses it all. The worst part is she can't remember what she doing on that plane in the first place #PitDark #PH #T
@Mica Kole That's very helpful! It becomes hard to see the faults in your own work. I see why it's not working now and will probably scrap the second one. I worked on revising the first one and focused on events happening closer in time that hopefully make this more concrete in this format and spell out the stakes.
1:00 Kiara is on a plummeting cargo plane with no memory of how she got there 1:13 She finds a woman holding the pilot at gunpoint 1:17 The woman says she's doing it for Kiara If Kiara is to survive, she better remember her mission & why she boarded that plane.#PitDark #SFT #SFH
Seems you got great feedback here, so I'll watch the post for updates in case you want feedback on a new version of the pitch :)
Thanks for the feedback! Yes, Kiara's parents die as a result of a hate crime against illegally born children. I tried to imply that. Would you recommend specifically stating that?
I'm leaning toward 3 and 4. Both have elements that stick with me, whereas the first two feel kind of passive/generic, like Michael mentioned. Some possible specifics for those:
1) Kiara's parents were killed because she was conceived naturally? If not, it might not be necessary info. 2) What's the secret Hem knows? Info on a politician who came from the class that could be obliterated?
#1 I LOVE the first half of it. The second half is passive (are obliterated Is specifically passive voice). Who obliterated it? What’s she up against?
#2 is pretty generic. Can you add some specifics to spice it up?
3 and 4 are pretty good. 4 being better to me.