I have a few pitches written up for my newest manuscript, and any feedback on them is welcome! I've tried Twitter pitching in the past (though not with this book) and, though I did get a like from one agent, it didn't turn into anything. These events are tough!
1. Gessa and her dad get stuck in virtual afterlife. When an anomaly traps him in cyber-hell, she busts out into the real to save him but finds her identity, skin and all, stolen. Stopping the culprit could end the afterlife, but if she doesn’t she might die for good. #pitmad #a #sf 2. Gessa’s stuck in virtual afterlife after dying for her country, but there’s a civil war brewing in the real and she won’t abide that ruckus. She snatches a body to take on the rabble. Her plans go to hell when the body fights back. Maybe she shoulda stayed dead. #pitmad #SF #A 3. Deceased martial Gessa hijacks a living body to fight the sadist that killed her, caged her dad in virtual hell, and imprisoned the country. When the body’s hostile owner wakes, the pair need to find a way to work together or Gessa could lose her father’s soul. #pitmad #SF #A
Thank you so much for the feedback! These are great points and I'll try a few versions along the lines of your suggestions.
Pitching events ARE tough. Always take it with a grain of salt :)
My thoughts:
1. Gessa and her dad get stuck in virtual afterlife. When an anomaly traps him in cyber-hell, she busts out into the real to save him but finds her identity, skin and all, stolen. Stopping the culprit could end the afterlife, but if she doesn’t she might die for good. #pitmad#a#sf <there is just a lot to work through here, so it ends up confusing. I'd simplify the core struggle and setting and stakes just so it can all come across clearly and without clutter.
2. Gessa’s stuck in virtual afterlife after dying for her country, <? but there’s a civil war brewing in the real and she won’t abide that ruckus. <why not? She snatches a body to take on the rabble. Her plans go to hell when the body fights back. Maybe she shoulda stayed dead. #pitmad#SF#A <this seems very unrelated to the previous pitch but also is a little less complicated, though ultimately I'm just as confused. I'd say I prefer the first pitch but I'd like to see it structure more simply, like this pitch.
3. Deceased martial Gessa hijacks a living body to fight the sadist that killed her, caged her dad in virtual hell, and imprisoned the country. When the body’s hostile owner wakes, the pair need to find a way to work together or Gessa could lose her father’s soul.#pitmad#SF#A <still confusing, but I like this one best. I'd work with this one to clarify and remove a little of the specificity. Establish the world right off.
So here's what I would do, or something like this:
When Gessa and her father died for their country, she was sent to a digital afterlife-but he got wrongly ported to cyber-hell. To exonerate him, she must hack into the body of her killer-but the killer won't leave. Now she has to work with him, or else die for good.#pitmad#SF#A
Here we clearly establish the setting/world/her situation without complicating it, and then introduce her specific struggle and stakes, and then heighten them, without being confusing (I think). Naturally changes would need to be made as I don't actually know the story details :)
Also, this looks like NEUROMANCER x THE HOST if you're looking for query comps!
If you mean the military rank/title, then it would be Marshal and it would be capitalized.
Thanks - really appreciate the feedback! I struggle a lot with Twitter pitching, so it's good to hear these are decent.
As for the word martial, it's a title and a messed up homonym :). If it gets in the way of the pitch, I can work on pulling it out of there.
I don't have a lot to add here. The first two are really solid pitches. You've got the character, you've got the obstacles, you've got the stakes. I wonder if you want to capitalize The Real, given how you use it. But that's it. The third one, the word martial throws me off. Is that a title? A rank? A messed up homonym? Other than that, I like that pitch too. You've clearly mastered the twitter pitch.