I'll take a look at the new version:

16yo Jance discovers he is a pyrokinetic alien hybrid when he is recruited by a covert government organization. When shifts in the earth’s gravity show someone is trying to alter the past, Jance must find and stop the culprit: a ghost from his father’s past.

"Past" is repeated. I worry that the first sentence will come off as tropey. I worry the last clause feels too tacked-on. Overall, however, it is very strong. I would probably use this and then perhaps test a second version. Here's the one I generated, if you like it. Naturally I might not have the details right:

When a covert organization shows up to recruit him, 16yo Jance learns he has alien blood...and pyrokinesis. Turns out he's the best candidate to kill the criminal that's toying w/the world's past... but the person might be a crucial part of his own personal history.

This adds a little dimension to the stakes regarding the negative effects of stopping the criminal without making us ask the question "what does his dad have to do with things?" If I had that wrong, then you could use the space for something else. This version also keeps his ability and bloodline from being shoved all together.

Love the changes! Great work! Good luck!

Yes, amazing changes! Love it!

This version is much better! Nice job incorporating the feedback.

Thanks for the help guys. I tried incorporating some of the ideas everyone gave me. Let me know if this one is a bit better. 16yo Jance discovers he is a pyrokinetic alien hybrid when he is recruited by a covert government organization. When shifts in the earth’s gravity show someone is trying to alter the past, Jance must find and stop the culprit: a ghost from his father’s past. I liked guildlibrary's questions, so I thought I would answer them if that helps point to places I should highlight more: - Who is the 16 year old (name)? - It's Jance

What are the special powers? Telekinesis/starting fires/healing? - He can control fire and fly. Is the ghost from his father's past connected to the father's death/disappearance/etc? - Former team leader, lost his mind and killed a squad member and maimed Jance's father, leaving him mobility challenged. How is the ghost attempting to change history? A device, other powers, the same powers as the MC? - he's using a machine powered by stolen nuclear material.

I think if you can make 'change the course of history' more specific, that will help, since right now it keeps the stakes vague. Also, if you're fighting to free up words, I think you can cut 'sarcastic'. That's one of those common things for YA protagonists so it won't necessarily make your character stand out. I'd rather have their name and, like one of the above comments said, know what special powers their alien hybridness gives them. Sounds like an interesting premise for sure!

Sounds like an interesting story! I agree with guildlibrary's suggestion to be more specific.

Also, I suggest breaking the pitch up into more sentences. The one long sentence has so much information that it's difficult to focus on all of the interesting, individual pieces. I like that you have character, conflict, & stakes, but right now they all kind of mush together.

Here's a suggestion: Start with his age & name & a glimpse of his current situation. Then add what changes...he's recruited by a government agency & discovers he's an alien hybrid. Then finish with the conflict & stakes. He must (confront something) or (the changing history stakes)

So (and this is not accurate, its just a quick example) 16yo Fred knew that black van was bad news. Recruited by a mysterious government agency Fred discovers he's an alien hybrid. Which was cool, until secrets from his father's past threaten to destroy the world & only Fred can stop it.

Does that make sense?

Seems neat! If you can make it more specific, it would really up the impact. - Who is the 16 year old (name)? - What are the special powers? Telekinesis/starting fires/healing? - Is the ghost from his father's past connected to the father's death/disappearance/etc? - How is the ghost attempting to change history? A device, other powers, the same powers as the MC?