SEE NEW POST BELOW FOR REVISED PITCHES :)
Pitch 1:
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Joe, a time traveling PI, must resist the urge to alter a past of which he’s ashamed if he’s to solve a TV judge’s disappearance, forgiver himself, and oh yeah—save humanity from itself.
Pitch 2:
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Joe’s society may only use #tt to re-try hist. figs as reality TV, but when he’s hired to find a missing TV judge, Joe must resist the urge to change his shameful past to solve the case, forgive himself, and oh yeah—save humanity from itself.
Pitch 3:
Joe’s society may only use #tt to re-try hist. figures as fluff TV, but as a PI looking for a missing TV judge, Joe will confront his past sins. He must resist the urge to change his shameful past to solve the case, forgive himself, and save humanity from itself.
Pitch 1 Works for me. Pitch 2 Try to stay away from utilizing 2nd person or including the reader in your pitch. Rephrase the first sentence and you'll be all good: "In the future, there's time travel. But, it's only used to retry historical figures as reality TV." Pitch 3 Try to stay away from rhetorical questions. By nature they withhold information where pitches are vehicles to impart info. Also "save humanity from eating its tail" is very vague and a bit esoteric. Joe, a time traveling PI has a choice: erase his past sins or seek forgiveness in the present. If he doesn't he can't rescue a missing judge and save humanity from repeating the past.
BTW. Any of the practice pitches that I put up, feel free to use lines from or use in their entirety if you feel like it. I'm just using your words and rephrasing what you have already written. Don't feel the need to reinvent them every time if you don't want to. But... If you want to do complete rewrites, and make my suggestions your own in their, er, completeness, you can do that as well... You're doing a good job of doing rewrites, and I don't want to discourage the practice, because pitching takes a LOT of practice, LOL!