SEE NEW POST BELOW FOR REVISED PITCHES :)
Pitch 1:
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Joe, a time traveling PI, must resist the urge to alter a past of which he’s ashamed if he’s to solve a TV judge’s disappearance, forgiver himself, and oh yeah—save humanity from itself.
Pitch 2:
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Joe’s society may only use #tt to re-try hist. figs as reality TV, but when he’s hired to find a missing TV judge, Joe must resist the urge to change his shameful past to solve the case, forgive himself, and oh yeah—save humanity from itself.
Pitch 3:
Joe’s society may only use #tt to re-try hist. figures as fluff TV, but as a PI looking for a missing TV judge, Joe will confront his past sins. He must resist the urge to change his shameful past to solve the case, forgive himself, and save humanity from itself.
Pitch 1:
You can save lots of space and tighten your language on the first pitch. Also, make the stakes more obvious. His redemption is at stake, not just the saving humanity bit (which is, like the stakes for ALL SF books). It will also be good to have a succinct pitch during PitMad, as I've seen them do quite well in the past. Here's an example of what I would do to trim the fat, so-to-speak.
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Time traveling PI, Joe can't alter his shameful past to solve a TV judge's disappearance. If he doesn't, his own redemption and humanity may be lost.
Pitch 2:
Don't abbreviate worldbuilding terms. We don't understand. This is heavy on the explanation of world and I think you could trim this a bit and tighten. Remember a good, solid, traditional pitch is character+plot+stakes/tension.
Dahlia Moss x Guy Noir
Joe’s society uses time-travel to send historical figures to reality TV court, but when he’s hired to find a missing TV judge, Joe can't change his shameful past to solve the case, [or what terrible thing will happen].
Pitch 3:
You need more variance on your pitches... See if you can come at the wording in just a slightly different way. You have the right idea, but again, you need to tighten down and streamline. Don't short your stakes statement. Really hit it home.
Time-traveling PI Joe must confront his past sins when he's hired to find a missing reality court judge who tries historical figures for fluff TV. If he changes his past, [what terrible thing will happen].