#1) I like this one all the way through. The only nitpick would be that "go insane" can often sound like a cop-out. However with the space crunch I can't think of an alternative, and like I said, it's a nitpick.

#2) Same "insanity" issue, and overall weaker than #1 for me, as it doesn't go through events in order and so is a little harder to parse.

#3) Lots more story detail here, more to like, the only issue being the "confront a dark past" trope. Overall it's great, but you might want to run it by someone with virgin eyes. It might be confusing in that you don't state that he doesn't remember whether he killed his bf or not, which I found interesting.

#4) Still good.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd just try #1, #3, and #4 at different times of day. Any improvement to be made at this point is going to be nitpicky, imo.

Thank you all for the amazing feedback. I have some updates below.

@Mica Kole I definitely see your point--I tried to infuse some more action in the updated versions, but I guess my issue is the premise takes most of the tweet so I don't have much room for the action--or I just need to think a bit more out of the box.

(1) 16yo mega rich Julian killed his boyfriend. Or did he? He can barely remember. In juvie he'll discover the truth through a serum that makes him repeatedly confront his darkest memories. Only then can he secure his release—if he doesn't go insane first.

(2) 16yo mega rich Julian is sent to an experimental detention center after he’s charged w/ his boyfriend’s murder. If he wants to prove his innocence, he must partake in a mind bending drug study that makes him confront his darkest traumas—and possibly make him insane.

(3) 16yo BigPharma heir Julian is convinced he didn’t murder his influencer boyfriend, but he’s sent to juvie anyway. If he wants to escape, he must form dangerous alliances, undergo a mind bending drug study, and confront his dark past—or else stay imprisoned forever.

(4) Julian didn't kill his influencer boyfriend. Well, he can't remember, but he's 99.9% sure. In juvie, the only way to prove his innocence is through an experiment drug study that makes him relive his darkest memories. He just hopes that 0.01% doesn't prove him wrong.

I find these to be strong overall and can agree with the other editors' comments. However, what I'm missing is the character's core struggle. Presumably his goal is to prove his innocence by doing the study. But what is the struggle? Wouldn't the study just prove he didn't do it? What does he have to do to prove he didn't do it?

If the answer is just to survive the study, that'd be troublesome. To me, Julian is written without agency in all four of these pitches. The story seems to be happening to him, rather than him making it happen. He gets thrown in jail; he has no choice to escape but to do the study; the study forces him to suffer. He just takes it. So, how does he prove his own innocence? What is his adventure or arc?

Hi there Brandon! Here are my thoughts. 1 the first sentence doesn't read as a sentence. It's a lot and I got stuck and couldn't get past it. 2 I'm not sure I have anything to say about this one. I think this one is strong. 3 the double negative in the first sentence makes this hard to read. Try Everyone believes 16yo Julian murdered his influence boyfriend. Remove but and start the next sentence At the... 4 love this one! Excellent job! Again, these are just my thoughts. They are only intended to help, so if it doesn't ignore them. Blessings. Jenn

I like #2 and #4. In #4, you need to change experiment to experimental. #3 is confusing...he didn't do it, but he's reliving the crime. Those don't add up to me.

#1 I really don't love the last line. Asking a question in a twitter pitch doesn't work for me. Because we know the answer, right? It wouldn't be much of a book if the answer was no. I'd rather here something about what he has to face, what's standing in his way...okay, he's got to escape juvie. What's he up against? What happens if he fails?