Hi All!
I'd love some feedback on my YA psychological thriller. I seem to never have any luck at these pitching contests, so let me know what works and what doesn't. Thank you!
(1)
A violent prison, mind bending drugs, and a doomed romance with his influencer boyfriend that ends in murder. Will escaping juvie be enough to save 16yo Julian's mind?
(2)
16yo mega rich Julian killed his boyfriend. Or did he? He can barely remember. In prison he'll discover the truth through a serum that makes him confront his darkest memories. Again and again.
(3)
No one believes 16yo Julian didn’t murder his influencer boyfriend, but at this experimental detention center, he gets the chance to prove his innocence by doing a drug study that makes him repeatedly relive his crime. Hopefully, not at the cost of his sanity.
(4)
Julian didn't kill his influencer boyfriend. Well, he can't remember, but he's 99.9% sure. In juvie, the only way to prove his innocence is through an experiment drug study that makes him relive his darkest memories. He just hopes that 0.01% doesn't prove him wrong.
#1) I like this one all the way through. The only nitpick would be that "go insane" can often sound like a cop-out. However with the space crunch I can't think of an alternative, and like I said, it's a nitpick.
#2) Same "insanity" issue, and overall weaker than #1 for me, as it doesn't go through events in order and so is a little harder to parse.
#3) Lots more story detail here, more to like, the only issue being the "confront a dark past" trope. Overall it's great, but you might want to run it by someone with virgin eyes. It might be confusing in that you don't state that he doesn't remember whether he killed his bf or not, which I found interesting.
#4) Still good.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd just try #1, #3, and #4 at different times of day. Any improvement to be made at this point is going to be nitpicky, imo.