I've got three pitch options here! All would have the #A #fantasy hashtags included. I like the first two way better than the third but tell me which one sticks out the most/give me any edits you can think of!
In a world where magic is controlled through art and language, a Creator named Callypso must fix her broken powers to meet the expectations of the infamous Snatcher who has forcibly employed her—all while her closest friends infiltrate the organization to save her.
When her powerful friend is captured, Kat, a woman with no powers must prove herself in an organization that only employs Shapers (those shape the world through art and language) or face death in a month’s time.
4 stories come together. A woman with a powerful gift who cannot use it. A fire-shaper used to being disposable. A time shaper struggling to prove himself to the employer who saved his life. And a woman with no power at all who must fight to save her friend or die trying.
In a world where magic is controlled through art and language, <-Awesome! a Creator named Callypso must fix her broken powers to meet the expectations of the infamous Snatcher who has forcibly employed her—all while her closest friends infiltrate the organization to save her. The rest is crowded out by book-specific language and generalizations that I don't understand/that lose my interest.
When her powerful friend is captured, Kat--a woman with no powers--must prove herself in an organization that only employs Shapers (those who shape the world through art and language) or face death in a month’s time.Yep, pretty good all around, add em dashes and "who" though.
4 stories come together. A woman with a powerful gift who cannot use it. A fire-shaper used to being disposable. A time shaper struggling to prove himself to the employer who saved his life. And a woman with no power at all who must fight to save her friend or die trying. I also like this one but I think that's a predilection I have for multi-POV stories. This sort of pitch has trouble encapsulating the core story and ends up looking gimmicky.
Conclusion: #2 has it all. The opening clause of #1 has potential if you wanted a second version to test out.
Definitely #2. I think I would lead with Kat needing to prove/fake her way as a shaper (I'm guessing here, could be fully wrong) to save the friend instead of mentioning the friend first, but Jennifer's feedback is spot on!
For the first one, I struggled with starting with the world and then moving to the character. Maybe flip that. Could you tighten the "meet the expectations" because I'm not really sure what that means here or why she would choose to help him if he's forcing her. What does she have on the line? The ending is strong on #1.
In #2 you are missing a word in the ( ) those WHO? THAT? shape. Stakes are much clearer here. Why must she prove herself? What does it have to do with her powerful friend?
#3 I don't have stakes at all and I don't have (a) character(s) to connect with.
My favorite is by far #2 with #1 as a close follow. I'm not sure #3 would be effective without the stakes and characters.
I hope this helps! I'm glad I critiqued your query. That gave me insight into your pitches. So cool!
Jenn