I'd be very grateful for any advice on the following pitch...
12-year-old Lily can talk to animals, but all she wants is her dad back. When a dangerous man imprisons him on a faraway island, she and her friends must cross jungles and seas to reach him, but the island hides a deadly secret that threatens everyone she loves.
Hi Barrie! Honestly, I like both pitches! The other advice here is good and I can't add anything else. Well done!