This is closer... But you have a lot of WORLD BUILDING terminology in this that begs to be explained (which you don't have the characters to explain in a tweet). What are the Fair Folk? What is a Seelie Queen? Goblin King is general enough and descriptive enough that I understand that...

Remember a solid "traditional" pitch is character+plot+stake/tension. You've implied a your stakes, and stated them both... If she doesn't return, Faye and her friend die. That's a great start! Now you just need to clarify the plot points leading up to it. Also, as a note... You don't ALWAYS have to pitch with comps. As a rule, I pitch 1-2 with comps when doing a 3 pitch day depending on the pitch party and what the "landscape" looks like. (Meaning what kind of pitches are getting likes. So if the brief pitches, non-traditional, old-school 140s are getting likes, I'll throw up something like that, or if more of the comps are getting likes I'll throw up that, and so on.)

Hope this is helpful! You're on the right track!!!

Thank you all so much. I decided to create another pitch. Would anyone be willing to take a look?

THE CRUEL PRINCE × ACOTAR

When Faye's best friend is taken by the Fair Folk, the Seelie Queen makes her a bargain: challenge the Goblin King for his throne & she'll give her back. Faye will face the crown's trials and return a queen - or not at all.

#PitMad #YA #F

•Cruel Prince×ACOTAR

A fae girl w/a human heart. A Seelie queen with a penchant for stealing mortals. And an Unseelie king who will have to give up his throne. Faye will have to unravel the dark legacy her father left behind if she wants to rescue her best friend. <Like Jen says, cool ingredients, but there's plenty of book-specific (confusing) name-dropping, and the conflict itself sounds run-of-the-mill. I'd focus on Faye from the get-go rather than all these other characters, make her adventure more specific and maybe note the world or magic system if it's unique.

•Cruel Prince × ACOTAR

When El is stolen by the Folk, Faye will have to pass through the veil - a longing she's always had, even knowing how wicked the fae can be. < this part can probably be more succinct while also being clearer. "When her BFF is stolen by the Fair Folk, Faye will have to enter their world... where she does [X]" You can cut the longing in place of better explaining the legacy and specific adventure. But Faye finds something else there: a dark legacy she'll have to unravel if she wants El back. < Again, too vague.

Hi Kelsey! My thoughts are meant to help, please ignore them if they do not. 1 I love the list of ingredients, but without an mc I'm not hooked in yet. Dark legacy doesn't really tell us what's going on with him. Why does he bf need rescuing? I don't know how the seelie queen and the unseelie king fit into Faye's life. Remember, a pitch is a 3 ingredient commercial. Mc, stakes,... 2 for this one I agree with everything Michael says. Hope this helps! Good luck! Jenn

I'm going to go in reverse order. In the second one, I strongly think you should start with Faye. By starting with El, I initially think she's the main character. In the second half, I think you're using a lot of words to convey not a lot of substance. A dark legacy is pretty generic, and we don't really get any idea of the world, the obstacles she will face, or what she'll have to do. I think we need at least some of that to give us a feel for the story. In the first one, the first half feels a bit distancing. With no name up front and no sense of the world, it almost comes off as a little clinical. (Others may disagree with me on this...I've seen some pitches use this format and make it work). In the second half it's slightly better than the version in pitch 2, because it's got rescue in there, which is more active than 'if she wants El back,' which might indicate someone giving her back.