Hello, all. Thanks much for any feedback on the pitches below.
1.
16yo Rae receives a favor and the charge to pay it forward. Her ensuing acts of kindness lead to a possible romance, a sea of Post-it–noted gratitude, and an epic scavenger hunt around town, but will it be enough for her to forgive herself for her father’s death? #PitMad #YA #CON
2.
Reeling over her dad’s death, 16yo Rae escapes into the ’80s rock songs that soundtracked her childhood. As the “Owner of a Lonely Heart,” she’s quick to look totheatre-lover Mac to give her “Something to Believe In.” But will he turn out to be “Bad Medicine”? #PitMad #YA #CON
3.
ALL THE WAYS THE WORLD CAN END + HERE WE ARE NOW Music—’80s rock—keeps 16yo Rae’s dad alive in her heart. To assuage her guilt over his death, she gathers a merry band of theatre geeks to pull off an epic sleep out for the Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation. #PitMad #YA #CON #LGBT
I also like #2 and #3 both. The suggested revise of #2 is good but I liked the original (even if it puts me in the minority, haha!). Well done. If you post any revisions here, I'll look them over so you can get a second pass--but I think you've got this in the bag either way!
Thank you! And that's a good thought about the query letter - I'll play around with a version I have that uses the style of pitch #2.
I really like the cleverness of the second one. And I think in a query letter when you can combine that kind of language with the meat of the story, you'll do well. If it's possible to combine the last two that might be a solid winner, but I'm afraid you won't have the space required. I may be wrong. As it stands #3 gives us the best notion of what your story is. Good luck!
You had me at 80's music!
#3 is the best! I love it! It sets the scene, gives us motive, and it mentions Bon Jovi (which is a 100% win for me).
I am not a fan of #1. It doesn't really grab my attention and it seems vague & a bit generic.
#2 is fun, but it doesn't have the same punch as #3. I'm going to play around with it a bit:
After her dad’s death, 16yo Rae escapes into the ’80s rock songs he loved. As the “Owner of a Lonely Heart,” she looks to theatre-lover Mac to give her “Something to Believe In.” But will their plan to stage a sleep-out for a charity event turn out to be “Bad Medicine”? #PitMad #YA #CON
That's just a quick suggestion.
I DEFINITELY recommend you use #3 to the full!!!
Good luck!
I'm hooked, Brieanna, because I've got to know not just *how* Rae copes with her Dad's death but *why* she feels responsible. Best luck to you!
Thank you so much for the feedback! All of your points make sense - I appreciate it.
Number 2 is really creative, and I like it, but I don't know if it tells enough about the book to hook someone? Same for Number 1. I learn that she's trying to get over her father's death, but not really how. To me, #3 is where it's at. We get the comps, we get why she's listening to 80s rock, and we get how she's dealing with the death. I think it's by far the best of the 3, and I think it's a great pitch.