Hi all! I have three pitches so far for my adult fantasy romance. There are different styles to look at and any advice is great! TIA!
(1)
When Ariadne, a victim of war, marries Azriel, his secrecy about his family bloodlines prompts suspicion. If she discovers the truth, she’ll leave and the daemons he’s trying to protect her from will finish what they started. #PitMad #A #R
(2)
Ariadne and Azriel have one thing in common: they’re victims of a war against daemons. After marrying, Ariadne’s curiosity about her husband’s bloodlines grows, but he’ll do anything to keep his secret. If he fails, he’ll lose her and the daemons will end them both. #PitMad #A #R
(3)
BLACK DAGGER BROTHERHOOD x RADIANCE
A brutal war. A loving marriage. A devastating family secret. If the truth is discovered, the marriage will end, and the war will be lost for Ariadne and Azriel. Can he keep her from learning the truth and save them both? #PitMad #A #R
This one is the strongest of those, for me:
BLACK DAGGER BROTHERHOOD x RADIANCE
Ariadne and Azriel are being hunted by vengeful daemons, but their marriage has a bigger threat: his impure bloodline. If she learns who he really is, he’ll lose her trust forever - giving the daemons exactly what they want. #PitMad #A #F #R
The first two make me ask too many questions that I need to know to follow the story. But this one gets the story across much more without eliciting questions. I find myself not needing to know why the demons are vengeful to get the gist; you highlight the fact that this is a romance; and you frame the secret in a way where I know just enough about it to get why it could be a problem, both for their lives and their love. So this is a long way of saying that I think it's good. I don't recognize the comps but I admit I don't read much romance and also, I read less than an agent does, no doubt. If the comps are strong then you should be set with this. Perhaps another editor might comment and see it with new eyes, though :)