I have three pitches I think are finetuned. I'm trying to hit the book from three slightly different angles. Let me know what you think.
STEPPING STONES X JUDY MOODY
Most girls would dream of moving to a horse farm.
Anna Ono is not most girls.
She misses city life and horses terrify her. It will take help from some new friends for this bicultural city girl to thrive in Kentucky. #PitMad #MG #CON #ND #IRMC
STEPPING STONES X CLEMENTINE
Anna Ono is a bicultural Chicago girl. She DOES NOT want to move to a horse farm in KY. She expects to be scared of the horses and lonely. She finds: a pony she might like and diverse friends. Maybe country life won’t be so bad. #PitMad #MG #CON #ND #IRMC
Anna Ono’s ADHD gives her laser focus on what she cares about. Right now that’s NOT wanting to move to a horse farm in KY. This bicultural Chicago girl will have to find a new focus in order to thrive in the country. #PitMad #MG #CON #ND #IRMC
STEPPING STONES X CLEMENTINE
Thanks for the comments! Ironically, #1, which you liked the least, has been the most liked other places I've asked about it :). Goes to show just how subjective this is. I'll definitely take your comments into account as I continue to rework the pitches before Thursday. I'm glad to know the ADHD pitch caught your attention. That's definitely one of the things that sets the book apart - that and Anna's bicultural identity.
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Most girls would dream of moving to a horse farm.
Anna Ono is not most girls. A bit kitschy to use a line break here.
She misses city life and horses terrify her. It will take help from some new friends for this bicultural city girl to thrive in Kentucky. Overall, I think this could be reworked to take up fewer words and leave you space to add information to make the pitch more unique in a crowd. Eg:
Most girls dream of living at a Kentucky horse farm, but horses terrify Anna. She misses her life as a bicultural city girl, and...
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Anna Ono is a bicultural Chicago girl. She DOES NOT want to move to a horse farm in KY. She expects to be lonely and scared of the horses. She finds: a pony she might like and diverse friends. Maybe country life won’t be so bad. Overall, there's nothing wrong with this. Clear and concise. But it doesn't really draw me into the book. What sets this apart from hundreds of other "new kid in town" stories?
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Anna Ono’s ADHD gives her laser focus on what she cares about. Right now that’s NOT wanting to move to a horse farm in KY. This bicultural Chicago girl will have to find a new focus in order to thrive in the country. Overall, I like this one best; the ADHD adds a unique element that the other pitches are missing.