Sounds like an interesting story. I think you've upped the stakes a bit from your original versions, but I think you could do more. Specifically, I think you could link the stakes to your MC's emotional journey, not just external plot elements.

For example: Having a rival in the lab is not per se stakes. And the fact her rival is physically intimidating doesn't really up the stakes. Rather, the conflict and the personal stakes come from the fact she went to the lab to escape a bully, but now must confront bullies to succeed--Melissa, and possibly even an adult (the doctor).

Just something to consider. I do think your revised pitches are pretty strong already. Good luck tomorrow!

I really like the beginning of #3 and the end of #1. I don't want to throw a wrench in your pitches, but maybe it's worth considering.

STEM whiz Cindy escapes a bully when she joins other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist. But her rivalry with cutthroat Melissa for a dream internship in his lab brings a familiar terror she cannot run away from. #PitMad #YA #CON #AD

I've revised all three pitches. Please share additional comments. I want to thank Query Connection for holding this valuable event, as well as the moderators and writers who took time for me. I hope you see your suggestions reflected in the revisions.

I'd also like your opinion about sub-genres. I was curious about using #STEM as one. But I'm concerned about filtering out agents who aren't looking for STEM per se and might otherwise be seeing a #CON #AD story. Thoughts?

Thank you, Lou.

#1 v2

KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO

To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy runs away to a school hidden in a coal mine by an outlaw geneticist. But her rivalry with cutthroat Melissa for a dream internship in his lab brings a familiar terror she cannot run away from. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

#2 v2

To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school concealed in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in his genetics lab, Cindy must compete with Melissa, a huge girl who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

#3 v2

STEM whiz Cindy escapes a bully when she joins a school for prodigies concealed in a coal mine by a fugitive geneticist. He offers her a dream internship in his lab if she bests intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa in a competition complicated by a boy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

I'll just do some sample rewrites to simplify my feedback. If you ever need to cut a few words, you can cut out the scientist or the coal mine; it's not as relevant as the rest, but does add flavor if it can be kept. I also tried to include Melissa's size. My ideas (I didn't take issue with the comps):

#1

To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry for a dream internship in the school's genetics lab...[something more specific here.]

#2

To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a secretive school founded by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must stand up to Melissa, a huge girl who will do anything to get the job... and to steal Cindy's boyfriend.

#3

Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious scientific school in a coal mine. There she must compete with the hulking, win-at-all costs Melissa for a boyfriend and a job in the genetics lab.

KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO

To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

I like the mystique you build with the first half. But the second half almost seems like a separate concept. I get the hint that bullying is the connector. But I think it's the word "job" that throws me, since it seems more adult than kids at school.

#2

To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

Prodigy is so much stronger than whiz, love it. Secreted is a little strange though, maybe not necessary since "fugitive" already implies illicit. I love that you built on the bully angle for this pitch, "overcome her terror" is great.

#3

Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

I think 2nd is my favorite, followed by this one. I like "fugitive geneticist", it's vivid and helps ground me in the world you've built. You mentioned in previous comments that Melissa is amoral. It makes me think she's sort of the Big Boss of bullies, and if that take is correct, I think the language describing her here could be stronger. Cutthroat, springs to mind, or ruthless. Even amoral, since that's a unique trait.

My favorite is the third. I feel like we get a sense of who Melissa is and the addition of the fugitive geneticist raises the scale of the story. I agree with Michelle Keener about concentrating a bit more on this character as this was the one that piqued my interest. Good luck!

Hello! These pitches are strong. I especially like the second and third - I feel like they give more detail than the first, and they all pull me in with more intrigue. I'd suggest playing around with the first a bit, but I think the second and third are solid.

This sounds super interesting! I agree with the above comments about Melissa. Clarifying her a bit will help with the conflict. Also, the part I found most intriguing was the fugitive geneticist. I wonder if there is a way to play that up more. That, to me, is what makes these pitches unique. The bully and the love interest are very common and they will be all over the place in PitMad...but a fugitive geneticist? My first impression is that is where your hook is, that is what makes this book different.

Why is the school a secret? Is he a good fugitive or a bad fugitive? Is she helping his evil/good plans?

I appreciate the comprehensive feedback, Inloft. Point taken about stakes, which in this story are personal rather than worldly. And yes, indeed, I wish I had more than 280 characters to describe Melissa. She's amoral and has Acromegaly (gigantism), which makes her intimidating. I want to submit three for #PitchMad. so I'll attempt to clarify stakes and better describe Melissa in #1 and #2, and improve the flow of #3. Thank you!

#1

KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO

To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

Is there any way you can provide some descriptor for Melissa? Otherwise we have no real context who she is. I'm trying to decide if the stakes are enough, but truthfully contemporary isn't my genre, and when you're used to death and the end of the world as stakes, sometimes anything less seems inadequate, even when it's perfectly fine for said genre, so let's see what someone else has to say on it.

#2

To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

I like this one better. Maybe a bit more specifics though on what about Melissa terrifies Cindy? (I know, that pesky character count makes it so difficult.)

#3

Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD

Also stronger than the first one. I think the description of Melissa here is enough. One thing I noted was how the first sentence had almost all of the nouns preceded by a descriptor, which I felt impacted the flow just a bit. But I feel that #2 and #3 do a better job of getting stakes across, than #1, which felt a little too vague.