Thank you for this great opportunity. I'm an emerging writer who will pitch my first #YA novel at #PitMad. I've written three pitches for my story. I will appreciate your comments and suggestions. Regards, Lou
KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
#1
KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Is there any way you can provide some descriptor for Melissa? Otherwise we have no real context who she is. I'm trying to decide if the stakes are enough, but truthfully contemporary isn't my genre, and when you're used to death and the end of the world as stakes, sometimes anything less seems inadequate, even when it's perfectly fine for said genre, so let's see what someone else has to say on it.
#2
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
I like this one better. Maybe a bit more specifics though on what about Melissa terrifies Cindy? (I know, that pesky character count makes it so difficult.)
#3
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Also stronger than the first one. I think the description of Melissa here is enough. One thing I noted was how the first sentence had almost all of the nouns preceded by a descriptor, which I felt impacted the flow just a bit. But I feel that #2 and #3 do a better job of getting stakes across, than #1, which felt a little too vague.