Thank you for this great opportunity. I'm an emerging writer who will pitch my first #YA novel at #PitMad. I've written three pitches for my story. I will appreciate your comments and suggestions. Regards, Lou
KARATE KID x YAQUI DELGADO
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry with Melissa for a dream job in the genetics lab brings familiar terror and challenges her self-respect. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a school secreted in a coal mine by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must overcome her terror of Melissa, who will do anything to get the job and Cindy's boyfriend. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious school run by a fugitive geneticist in a coal mine. There she must compete with intimidating, win-at-all costs Melissa for a job in the genetics lab and the affections of Jeremy. #PracPit #YA #CON #AD
I'll just do some sample rewrites to simplify my feedback. If you ever need to cut a few words, you can cut out the scientist or the coal mine; it's not as relevant as the rest, but does add flavor if it can be kept. I also tried to include Melissa's size. My ideas (I didn't take issue with the comps):
#1
To escape a bully, STEM whiz Cindy joins a mysterious school inside a coal mine, but her rivalry for a dream internship in the school's genetics lab...[something more specific here.]
#2
To escape a bully, STEM prodigy Cindy joins a secretive school founded by a fugitive scientist. But to get her dream job in the genetics lab, Cindy must stand up to Melissa, a huge girl who will do anything to get the job... and to steal Cindy's boyfriend.
#3
Bullied STEM whiz Cindy runs away to join other prodigies at a mysterious scientific school in a coal mine. There she must compete with the hulking, win-at-all costs Melissa for a boyfriend and a job in the genetics lab.