WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS

Innovation. Prosperity. An end to all suffering.

The multiverse is built on a lie.

And Zoe bought it, until she tripped into a doomed dimension. Now she and its refugees must escape before an evil oligarchy traps them there forever. <overall, this is just too hard to understand for me. You sacrifice clarity for style.

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WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS

2067. For a fee, Glimpse your life in an alt dimension.

Zoe envies her alt selves for all they have: Good skin. A nice apartment. A living mother. 

Then a Glimpse comes from a world under siege.

Mom’s alive there, too. 

But for how long? <I like this, it clarifies the world well and gives us a situation/inciting incident. It doesn't show MC actually beginning the journey to counter that situation, though. What must she do to keep her alt mom alive?

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WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS

Zoe shouldn’t be trapped in an enemy dimension. 

She shouldn’t be helping its people escape their dying world. <again, I'm not clear on why she is doing this or how she got trapped there.

And she DEFINITELY shouldn’t be falling for their Commander, who happens to be her boyfriend’s alt universe doppelgänger.<I like this addition.

Oops. 

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Overall, I'd like to see you use the intro in #2, but be more succinct with it. (In 2067, you can Glimpse your life in an alt dimension. Zoe envies her alt selves, until one of them... Then move into the actual goal and stakes. Why must she fight these people's war? (...and Zoe must [X] in order to [X].)

I like the 3rd one because of the voice that came through. I feel like I got the most personality. The second one is also good. I think together they both emphasize different stakes and since you can do multiple pitches, you might as well do both! You might change 'world under siege' in pitch two to make it more clear how it's dying and the people are trying to escape (rather than it just being a generic war conflict). Sounds super interesting though!

This sounds like a great story!

I like the 2nd pitch the best. It shows more of Zoe's character and bringing her mom in is really compelling. Is there a reason Glimpse is capitalized? Is that the name of the company that provides it?

On the 3rd one, I might suggest switching enemy dimension to alt dimension so it provides some consistency with the alt dimension at the end. It could be "war-ravaged alt dimension" if that helps with clarity. I do like the fact that you introduced the boyfriend element in that one.

I agree w/Michael. I do like all 3 but the 2nd and 3rd feel more specific. I think I like the 2nd the most, for me it has a kick of voice with the things Zoe envies with the alternate universes.

These are pretty good as written. All of them. I like the second two the best. The first one is a bit generic, so if you could find a way to add a bit more detail it might help. When I say it's generic, I mean that it could apply to a wide range of stories...what makes yours unique? (The alternate dimension is a good piece, but 'an evil oligarchy,' for example, could be a lot of books and 'escape' is pretty generic. (Don't get me wrong...it's not a BAD pitch. But it may be one that gets passed over as 'a lot like other stuff.') Also, there's no need to hashtag NA. No agent is looking for NA, so you can save those characters for use elsewhere. While you *can* hashtag SFF, I'm not sure that's a criteria somebody would use to filter, as it's so broad.