Hi and thanks for doing this! Here’s my main “stakes-y” pitch:
WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
Innovation. Prosperity. An end to all suffering.
The multiverse is built on a lie.
And Zoe bought it, until she tripped into a doomed dimension. Now she and its refugees must escape before an evil oligarchy traps them there forever.
#pitmad #a #na #sff #poc #own —————-
Since we get two more pitches per manuscript, my others focus on other elements of the story that are intriguing or a little trope-y. I’d love to know what you think of that approach:
WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
2067. For a fee, Glimpse your life in an alt dimension.
Zoe envies her alt selves for all they have: Good skin. A nice apartment. A living mother.
Then a Glimpse comes from a world under siege.
Mom’s alive there, too.
But for how long?
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WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
Zoe shouldn’t be trapped in an enemy dimension.
She shouldn’t be helping its people escape their dying world.
And she DEFINITELY shouldn’t be falling for their Commander, who happens to be her boyfriend’s alt universe doppelgänger.
Oops.
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THANKS!!
WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
Innovation. Prosperity. An end to all suffering.
The multiverse is built on a lie.
And Zoe bought it, until she tripped into a doomed dimension. Now she and its refugees must escape before an evil oligarchy traps them there forever. <overall, this is just too hard to understand for me. You sacrifice clarity for style.
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WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
2067. For a fee, Glimpse your life in an alt dimension.
Zoe envies her alt selves for all they have: Good skin. A nice apartment. A living mother.
Then a Glimpse comes from a world under siege.
Mom’s alive there, too.
But for how long? <I like this, it clarifies the world well and gives us a situation/inciting incident. It doesn't show MC actually beginning the journey to counter that situation, though. What must she do to keep her alt mom alive?
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WAR GIRLS X SLIDERS
Zoe shouldn’t be trapped in an enemy dimension.
She shouldn’t be helping its people escape their dying world. <again, I'm not clear on why she is doing this or how she got trapped there.
And she DEFINITELY shouldn’t be falling for their Commander, who happens to be her boyfriend’s alt universe doppelgänger.<I like this addition.
Oops.
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Overall, I'd like to see you use the intro in #2, but be more succinct with it. (In 2067, you can Glimpse your life in an alt dimension. Zoe envies her alt selves, until one of them... Then move into the actual goal and stakes. Why must she fight these people's war? (...and Zoe must [X] in order to [X].)